Cold

I’ve been staying in my home with my husband.  In theory, that sounds like a normal thing.  In my case, it is hell.  The distance between us speaks in silence, uncomfortable passing in the kitchen, or laundry room, or outside, and in a vibration that permeates the house that no amount of saging could fix.  I have my side of the house, and he has his.  But those common areas suck.  We have to share them.  Sometimes words are spoken; sometimes they are brief, informational conversations (sigh of relief), and others are spiteful, quick exchanges that make my neck tighten; I feel like someone is squeezing my spine as hard as they can.  I can’t escape fast enough.

Truth is, I can’t “abandon my domicile” – those words might be my least favorite in the English language right now.  Divorce might be second, but also my favorite.  I’m done.  I’ve been married a long time out of a duty to vows, ease, fear of change, and lack of respect for myself.  That last one is a tough one.  I’ve allowed myself to live in a world where I’m not valued.  No more.  I refuse to live this way.

The days are easiest because he isn’t home.  I work out of the house, and if I could change that, I would.  At least, he’s working and away from me.  The nights are fucked up.  The whole temperature of the house changes when he returns in the evening.  My body tenses, wants to run.  Instead, I freeze, and hide.  My office, my bedroom, the patio…

Inevitably, he finds me. At some point in the twilight hours he seeks me out.  Or we pass somewhere.  I want out of this house.  And – I LOVE my house.  I really do.  But, it’s not worth my sanity, or self-esteem.  There is a back-and-forth between us, or with him, one day he’s done with our marriage too, the next he wants to stay together.  I feel like I’m in a washing machine on spin.  I can’t get my feet under me, or think.  I spend a lot of time in my bedroom, claiming I’m going to sleep early.  I climb in under the covers and start a Netflix binge to be somewhere else.  I hide in the dark, letting myself become a part of a show until I drift off to sleep.

I look at him and can’t find a single thing to love about him.  Memories of the hurtful words and control cloud anything we ever had that was good.  I know the good things are there, few and far between, but mostly there is just hurt.  Too much damage; our marriage is totaled; unsalvageable.   It makes me sad, angry, and relieved that I am finally healthy enough emotionally to see it for what it is, and brave enough to get out.  I’m cold.  I want to be warm again.

“Cold” – Maroon 5
(feat. Future)

Cold enough to chill my bones

It feels like I don’t know you anymore

I don’t understand why you’re so cold to me

With every breath you breathe
I see there’s something going on
I don’t understand why you’re so cold Are we taking time or a time out?
I can’t take the in between
Asking me for space here in my house
You know how to fuck with me
Acting like we’re not together
After everything that we’ve been through
Sleeping up under the covers
How am I so far away from you?

What you holdin’ on, holdin’ on for?
If you wanna leave just leave
Why you wanna bite your tongue for?
The silence is killing me
Acting like we’re not together
If you don’t want this, then what’s the use?
Sleeping up under the covers
How am I so far away from you?

Cold enough to chill my bones?
It feels like I don’t know you anymore
I don’t understand why you’re so cold to me
With every breath you breathe
I see there’s something going on
I don’t understand why you’re so cold, yeah

Baby, tell me how did you get so
Cold enough to chill my bones?
It feels like I don’t know you anymore
I don’t understand why you’re so cold to me
With every breath you breathe
I see there’s something going on
I don’t understand why you’re so cold

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s